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ELC

The room smelled of wood, calling from a time when wood was plentiful to buy, and would be reasonable to use to build an entire room. 

Kozue

Spending a few days at my friend's Monocle-like apartment in Niseko. The name of the property is Kozue, the interiors are pretty much designer (warm woods, modern lighting and fixtures, floor to ceiling windows), and Cliff is the concierge out front who will bring us to where we need to go, and light the fire at night if it gets too cold.
I begin to appreciate how a beautiful and well-appointed apartment can actually make you want to work. One feels more balanced and together that you moved more readily into a position of action. Very similar to how when you square yourself for a tennis ball or a ski down the hill, you can make your body do what you want it to do.
* * *
I've been waking up early in the mornings (5-6 AM) to send e-mails requesting for information, meetings, and for people to arrange for research. Breakfast is such a stellar affair in Hokkaido --> yogurt-milk, jam, bread, tea. They're not remarkable but quality levels of dairy are high.
* * *
I've been going up and down the Boyo Run, near the Gondola. It's a wide and rather basic green run, but it's more or less the extent of my ability now. We'll see where the instructor will take us this AM, in terms of skills to do and what else to explore.
LEAN FORWARD. In all ways. Ski, and elsewhere.

Father

If you want to understand more about how you learned the concept of masculinity, you can look no further than your relationship with your father. Such a relationship always seems fraught, especially for the gay man. Has there ever been a very amicable Father-Son relationship in the first place? What more the Father-Gay Son relationship?

A father intuitively knows before his son, that he may be a homosexual. One says that it is the mother who has the instinct and gaydar, but I believe the father is just as astute. After all, it is the father perhaps, who is closer to the reality and necessity of policing acceptable masculine behavior. The father knows what actions will invite derision and jeering, and the father knows of what actions he himself, at one point, may have joined at the finger pointing and mockery.

* * *

How do you discover this relationship with your father? Isn't it something that you stuffed away? In so many conversations with older gay men, their relationship w/ their parents and father, have already hit some kind of equilibrium. And thus, they are not particularly motivated to have it change. The father may not recognize the son; or there may be an implicit commandment that some things are simply not to be discussed.

* * *

My father. Well, he turns 73 in a couple of weeks. He has seemed more frail as of recent. The cold here in California is not helping w/ his fractured arm. He needs more help than he used to; and we are more willing these days to offer and give it. Though some days we wonder at whether independence is really something we want our parents to achieve, given we ourselves may not have even achieved our own independence from them anyway. . .

Masculinities

is the title of zine I picked up at City Lights Bookstore. It is a selection of interviews by Cindy Crabb -- of men and what concept of masculinity and role models they struggled with during their young years, and what they continue to grapple with. The men are bi-sexual, transgender, from poor backgrounds, black, rural, punk, and other not so straightforward categories.

The set of interviews reveals how different men were raised, and the gender roles they may or may not have faced.

Words and Sentences

Can you create something that you like? Can you create something that communicates sense? Are you competent to create objects that have value? The first step in creation is to form a character. The first form is a character you will build. To break from a mold is a painful enterprise. You are stopping yourself from acting as you are. The words fall over each other, and you give yourself the start of a headache. It is difficult. And the constructed sentences do not look like anything of yourself. You may begin soon. Each construction has to start from the first words.

At home gimmicks

It's the kind of gimmick you can't really plan, but it tends to happen on holidays. People may be out and about, but some of your friends may be at home, and all willing to have a substantial chat online.

It lasts a few hours, and I laugh out hard during such, where I receive music videos with feels, and then feel strongly about it. Where you talk about plans and dreams, and why people love and are loved. Talks about a hopeful future, and why life will move on, and there is still more to look forward to. After all this time.

* * *

Life begins anew.

November today.

* * *

We're cooking lasagna today

Go West

I have to remind myself about how far I've come; and to remind myself that I'm not necessarily in a loop.

Some thoughts as I watch the TV series -- Westworld. Our bodies, our limitations (as a side thought); though the main focus of the series is consciousness, memory and mind.

* * *

the wolverine last minute costume was a hit.

we had a great time at Green Sun.

pre-game was pretty good.

I spoke to Pluto. I spoke to Brent.

Gut

I monitor my gut everyday.

And sometimes, the answer seems to be, please don't stress about it so much. Go back to normal. Make a few mis-steps.

Today, however, I was able to do a bike for 30 mins. I will try to life some later -- light weights. And then see if I can do an early AM swim tomorrow. Let's see if that's in the cards for me.
trigger warning: burgis thoughts follow

The holidays / xmas --

those times when you actually slow down, and importantly everybody does also. that's the main difference w/ a regular holiday. can you just imagine everybody slowing down but it's not a holiday? it doesn't happen, and in that way life is predictable somewhat.

it's deciding you have time to listen to classical music for an extended period in the morning because there is nowhere else to go for a while. there is nothing beyond the plan to have lunch. people might drop by.

the holidays is a stack of new colorful books. they're probably the latest cookbook, or an anthology of a modern author, or something by Gaiman, or something for travel, health, sport -- an invitation to more adventure and activity in your life.

xmas is things you never have otherwise much off during the year -- tea, chocolate, wine.

Coping

The battle w/ my stomach has not ended. But it seems easier to manage. I feel that what I need to do actually is not to be freaked out about it.

My next effort really is to find a way that I can start exercising more again, w/out aggravating anything.